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To the Mother of the Baby that just won’t sleep…

This is the letter that I wish someone had written for me, I needed to know it was okay to have a baby that just won't sleep - a letter for all mothers.

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To the Mother with the baby that just won’t sleep…

Hey there, let me guess… it’s 2am and your little one has woken up four times already since you put him down at 7pm (the time that all the sleep books tell us they should go to bed). You’re so tired it takes you a few minutes to work out if the baby is actually crying or if the sound is just so embedded in your mind that you think you might be dreaming it. You hope you’re dreaming it…. But you’re not.

You roll yourself out of bed and find your baby in their cot, you pat them and soothe them. Some nights this takes a few minutes… other nights, hours… Oh I’ve been there. One night I actually laid next to the cot, patting my baby, singing to him until I fell asleep. And guess what – the moment I stopped singing and stopped patting, he started crying again.

I’ve nursed to sleep, pat to sleep, rocked to sleep, cried to sleep (me, not him), co-slept, slept in his own cot… I’ve tried it all. Really. Everything. I’ve been where you are now and I just want to tell you – hang in there, you will get through.

During the stage of waking up every hour through the night (seriously, I could set my watch by him sometimes), I thought I was the worst mum in the world. I had read books about sleep cycles and sleep training, I had other mothers telling me their babies slept through the night (I later learned that sleeping though the night meant sleeping for 5 hours and not the 12 I had thought they meant) and I couldn’t figure out why my baby wouldn’t sleep.

Oh the torture I put myself though. I figured it was my fault, I thought I wasn’t making enough milk so he was hungry (I had plenty of milk) so I started doing things to increase my supply. I thought I wasn’t feeding him enough during the day; he was 6 months old, food was just for fun. I thought I was being neglectful because I wasn’t co-sleeping with him, then co-sleeping made him wake at the slightest movement so I moved him back to his own cot. I really did try everything (that I was willing to try).

I also became a masterful negotiator. It went something like this; ‘please, please, if you go to sleep now and sleep for just 3 hours straight, I will have enough energy to play with you for hours tomorrow.’ Yes, I really did attempt to negotiate with a 6 month old. Hey, I was majorly sleep deprived.

After going through all of this, I later found out that some babies just don’t sleep well. There’s nothing wrong with them, there’s nothing wrong with you, they are simply a baby that just won’t sleep. So here’s some things I want you to remember.

It’s okay to ask for help.

Ask a friend, ask a family member, hell ask anyone you trust with you baby to watch them for a few hours. Even for just an hour or two so you can nap. There is a lot of value in a power nap and it really can see you through.

It’s okay to let your baby cry for 10 minutes to compose yourself.

Check your baby isn’t hungry, check their nappy is clean and dry, then put them down in the cot or in a safe place and walk away. Go and make yourself a cup of tea, sit down and drink it. It won’t hurt your baby to let them cry for 10 minutes while you compose yourself and just take a breather. Just 10 minutes can really change your mindset.

Check your milk supply.

If your baby is waking often to feed it could be that your supply is a little low. The easiest way to tell this is by how many wet nappies they are having each day. This depends on their age but can easily be found on your local breastfeeding website. It will also give you a guide to see if there are any other signs that your supply could be low. Remember, milk is supply and demand so the more your baby nurses, the more you will make. If you do find your supply is low there are some easy ways to increase it.

Throw away the books.

There are so many books written about parenting and sleep training and sleep cycles that reading them all will make you go nuts. Trust your baby and their cues. After almost having a breakdown one day because according to one of these books I was a failure, I threw them all out.

Hire a cleaner.

Okay, I even laughed a little while typing this but my point is the same nonetheless. Cleaning is not a priority at the moment. Let the house be a mess, let the washing pile up and don’t even look at the dust. Go to bed and sleep every chance you get.

Baby wearing saved my sanity.

Possibly the single greatest purchase I have ever made as a parent was my baby carrier. I was able to pop my little one in it and he was happy because he was close to me and I was happy because I could have both hands free and move around the house. If you can’t afford a carrier, there are plenty of tutorials on how to make a wrap out of a length of fabric (I think you need around 6 metres).

It is not your fault.

This is the absolute most important point of all. If you start blaming yourself for everything then you’re headed down a horrible road. As a parent we tend to be so hard on ourselves, there is this expectation that we have to be ‘perfect’. Stop comparing your baby to others, each baby is different. If you’re really worried, speak to your doctor about it. Other than that, cut yourself some slack, give your baby a hug and a kiss and remember that some babies just don’t sleep well.

This too shall pass.

This won’t be forever. It’s not like you’re going to have a 5 year old that wakes every hour. Before you know it you’ll be sleeping through the night again, wondering how on earth you made it through this time.

My little man is 19 months old now and sleeps like a champion. He usually wakes once a night but that is even starting to stop. He puts himself to sleep (take that all those people who told me I was ‘ruining’ him by nursing him to sleep!! Ha!!) and some nights he even asks to go to bed. A crazy little part of me even misses all the extra cuddles I had during those nights. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

So take some time to yourself, remember that looking after you is just as important as looking after your baby. These first few months of your baby’s life goes by so quick before you know it you’ll be telling others about all the things you learned during those sleepless nights that felt like they would never end. And know that when your baby smiles at you, when their tiny little hand rests on your face and when they say ‘mummy’ for the very first time, ever single one of these nights will be worth every second.

Xoxo

Krystal

This is the letter that I wish someone had written for me, I needed to know it was okay to have a baby that just won't sleep - a letter for all mothers.

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9 Comments

  1. Thank you, my babies sleep for the most part unless they are sick. But my 1 year old has been crying a lot and it is so draining. And hard not to feel like a bad mom.

    1. It’s so difficult when they are emotional – as a mum you just want to fix it for them but at the same time it can be so draining. Hang in there – and remember to take time for yourself too. xo

  2. Very well said. What a trying time this can be and it feels like it will never end! But it does. And before you know it you’re sneaking into their room at 1am just to watch them sleep and stroke their soft skin and squeeze their soft, warm little hands. Bless.

    1. I can’t believe I am actually at a stage where I miss my night time cuddles. You’re right though – before you know it you’re the one sneaking in to watch them sleep (then diving out of sight and going full ninja mode when they stir).

  3. Great post. My youngest woke up loads until she was 7 1/2 months old and someone suggested trying white noise. Now we use a rain noise website on the computer and she sleeps through. She did from the first night we tried it. Turns out she was just a light sleeper and struggled to get herself back off. It’s bliss when you come out the other side of all the sleepless nights isn’t it?x

    1. The white noise idea is a great one – I tried it for a little while and it helped with the sudden waking from noises. I’m so glad your little one slept through for you. I still remember the first night Alexander slept through – I was convinced I had gotten up to him and just didn’t remember. It’s amazing what a full nights sleep can do 🙂 xo

  4. hey krystal,
    Really you are great author. I loved the way you are dedicated to the topic of you blog. Its my first visit to your blog and I loved the design you have maintained for your blog.

    Thanks keep up the good work

  5. My baby wouldn’t nap during the day until I discovered on accident that she was a belly sleeper. It made me very nervous because I had done a lot of research on preventing SIDS but once I started putting her down on her stomach she was a different baby. I had tried baby wearing, co-sleeping and a host of other things that were supposed to help but nothing else worked.

  6. Awesome letter my wee man is 8 and a half months and sleep seems like a distant memory. You would think I would have it all figured out being number 4 but no they all are so different. I am printing this letter out and sticking it on the fridge for days when I need to be reminded that it’s ok I am up for the fifth time. Thanks so much

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